Little Miss Marlee
by: Marlee Mortensen
December 13, 2008
Perfection is the key.
I've got to keep up.
Always the best, won't settle for less.
Make-up just right-
Only the best clothes.
Perfect car, perfect apartment... even perfect dog.
Perfect Marlee... So fake.
Always smiling.
Forever cheerleader, yet the battles rage on.
Battles I always lose,
in the war that is my life.
"Oh my god, you're so skinny..."
Sickness smiles,
Disease wins.
Keep throwing up,
It will only make you prettier.
So they say it may kill me?
I welcome it.
What is there to live for?
More perfect lies?
More manipulation of my body, mind and heart.
I believe my own lies and I force my lies on others.
If I can make them believe in my perfect charade, I will just succeed in killing myself faster.
Depression and loneliness,
My constant companions...
Always nipping sharply at my heels.
I fall so frequently flat on my face.
I laugh it off with a joke and a smile.
Why even try?
Dreams are crushed.
A failure without even trying.
A victim BOO-HOO- get over it- don't cry- won't help- ghosts of my past.
Ten years wasted.
Why fix it now?
Keep drinking, keep drugging, demons in my head.
I'm broken and beaten.
My own worst enemy.
Like a terrorist in my own right- I know just how to kill me.
My truth.
My lies.
Everything I hide.
Deny.
Deny.
Deny.
Protect me.
Defend me.
Always reaching outward- looking for someone to save me.
What is love?
Never healthy, always hurtful.
What is Faith and why can't I find it?
The only Faith Ive known, is in the things I control.
Keep losing weight, you're in control now.
Do another line, have another shot... SEE I can control it.
I love the feelings of starving.
I love purging.
I can see the pounds I am shedding.
Like me.
Love me.
Obsess over me- WOW- I feel so complete.
Completely empty.
Nothing works anymore.
Why wont the old fixes fix me?
Little Miss Marlee.
I played it so well.
A big screen production until it all crumbled.
Exposed and self-cheating.
Addicted.
Rejected.
All the while too perfect to cry.
An easier way, please God I need it.
It would be so satisfying to die- Why cant I cry?
Keep my secrets.
I hide them so well.
Sly looks, so smooth, you'll never catch me- You can do it.
A master at hiding.
Hey you, look at me.(I yell in a whisper)
Wanting to be uncovered yet still I retreat.
I hit myself hard.
Over and over.
Beg for the pain to go away.
Numb me.
Drug me.
Seduce me- Whatever- Anything to keep me from feeling what's real.
I love me.
I hate me.
Do I even know me?- A stranger in the mirror stares back.
Too fat.
Not pretty.
So smart yet so dumb.
Isn't there a pill that can fix me?
Quick fixes.
I love them.
Mounds of white powder.
To me it was strength up my nose.
I grow three inches, the most perfect around.
Can I ever feel strong without vices?
More shots of Jager, becoming bullet-proof quickly.
White and black pathways to hell.
So weak.
Like a baby.
Cry myself to sleep- Beg God for me not to wake up.
Anger fills me.
Shakes my very core.
But perfect southern girls never should show it.
Hide it.
Stuff it deep.
More secrets and lies- Why tell cause they wont understand.
Predictable?
Maybe.
Will the truth really save me?
Laugh it off.
Pretend it is all ok.
Always help others- I save them more than I save myself.
Am I even worth saving?
Can I even be saved?
Oh, God, please surround me.
I feel abandoned in the strangest of places.
Why isn't being just me ok?
Why do I strive to be a lie?
Lies guide my heart from the truth.
Walls of stone I build sky high.
The most experienced of carvers cant break through.
Laugh and giggle.
Hide behind the perfect priced smile.
The smile is as fake as the words that protect me.
Keep it up girl.
You're doing just fine.
False hope.
Sponsored.
Supported.
Make it all look so pretty.
Keep running toward it.
Keep killing myself slowly.
So ugly on the inside.
A monster that's thriving.
It gets louder in stronger with time.
It yells at me but no one can hear it.
I want to understand.
Oh, God, I am willing.
Begging.
I'm writing.
Finally crying.
The lies, finally dying.
4 comments:
Oh, Marlee, this just breaks my heart. Where was I? Why did I not know? If only I could have seen around the lies. But you are better and living now really in control of your life. Keep it up baby. The world awaits you and life is looking great. Love you always, Mom
Wow. Thank you so much for the honesty. One of the best ways to defeat a lie is to tell it as truth. You WILL overcome. You ARE loved and cherished by your friends and by God. There are so many little girls going through the same fires that have burned you, so thank you for sending out the warning from the other side. I'm praying for you little buddy. Tons of love.
I love you RD! We are still here... Still praying for you!!
More Marlee blogs!
Post a Comment