Writing from treatment...

This is some of my writing from treatment... I haven't shared this yet, but I think now is the time!!!

Little Miss Marlee

by: Marlee Mortensen

December 13, 2008

Perfection is the key.

I've got to keep up.

Always the best, won't settle for less.

Make-up just right-

Only the best clothes. 

Perfect car, perfect apartment... even perfect dog.

Perfect Marlee... So fake.

Always smiling.

Forever cheerleader, yet the battles rage on.

Battles I always lose,

in the war that is my life.

"Oh my god, you're so skinny..."

Sickness smiles,

Disease wins. 

Keep throwing up, 

It will only make you prettier.

So they say it may kill me? 

I welcome it.

What is there to live for?

More perfect lies?

More manipulation of my body, mind and heart. 

I believe my own lies and I force my lies on others.

If I can make them believe in my perfect charade, I will just succeed in killing myself faster. 

Depression and loneliness,

My constant companions...

Always nipping sharply at my heels. 

I fall so frequently flat on my face.

I laugh it off with a joke and a smile. 

Why even try?

Dreams are crushed.

A failure without even trying. 

A victim BOO-HOO- get over it- don't cry- won't help- ghosts of my past. 

Ten years wasted.

Why fix it now?

Keep drinking, keep drugging, demons in my head.

I'm broken and beaten.

My own worst enemy.

Like a terrorist in my own right- I know just how to kill me.

My truth.

My lies.

Everything I hide.

Deny.

Deny.

Deny.

Protect me.

Defend me. 

Always reaching outward- looking for someone to save me. 

What is love?

Never healthy, always hurtful.

What is Faith and why can't I find it?

The only Faith Ive known, is in the things I control. 

Keep losing weight, you're in control now. 

Do another line, have another shot... SEE I can control it. 

I love the feelings of starving.

I love purging.

I can see the pounds I am shedding. 

Like me.

Love me.

Obsess over me- WOW- I feel so complete. 

Completely empty.

Nothing works anymore. 

Why wont the old fixes fix me?

Little Miss Marlee.

I played it so well. 

A big screen production until it all crumbled. 

Exposed and self-cheating.

Addicted.

Rejected.

All the while too perfect to cry.

An easier way, please God I need it. 

It would be so satisfying to die- Why cant I cry?

Keep my secrets.

I hide them so well. 

Sly looks, so smooth, you'll never catch me- You can do it. 

A master at hiding.

Hey you, look at me.(I yell in a whisper)

Wanting to be uncovered yet still I retreat. 

I hit myself hard.

Over and over.

Beg for the pain to go away.

Numb me.

Drug me. 

Seduce me- Whatever- Anything to keep me from feeling what's real. 

I love me.

I hate me. 

Do I even know me?- A stranger in the mirror stares back.

Too fat.

Not pretty.

So smart yet so dumb.

Isn't there a pill that can fix me?

Quick fixes.

I love them.

Mounds of white powder.

To me it was strength up my nose. 

I grow three inches, the most perfect around.

Can I ever feel strong without vices?

More shots of Jager, becoming bullet-proof quickly.

White and black pathways to hell.

So weak.

Like a baby.

Cry myself to sleep- Beg God for me not to wake up.

Anger fills me.

Shakes my very core.

But perfect southern girls never should show it. 

Hide it.

Stuff it deep.

More secrets and lies- Why tell cause they wont understand.

Predictable?

Maybe.

Will the truth really save me?

Laugh it off.

Pretend it is all ok.

Always help others- I save them more than I save myself.

Am I even worth saving?

Can I even be saved?

Oh, God, please surround me.

I feel abandoned in the strangest of places. 

Why isn't being just me ok?

Why do I strive to be a lie?

Lies guide my heart from the truth.

Walls of stone I build sky high. 

The most experienced of carvers cant break through.

Laugh and giggle.

Hide behind the perfect priced smile.

The smile is as fake as the words that protect me.

Keep it up girl.

You're doing just fine.

False hope.

Sponsored.

Supported.

Make it all look so pretty.

Keep running toward it.

Keep killing myself slowly.

So ugly on the inside.

A monster that's thriving.

It gets louder in stronger with time.

It yells at me but no one can hear it.

I want to understand.

Oh, God, I am willing. 

Begging.

 

I'm writing.

Finally crying.

The lies, finally dying.

Some HEALTHY/MINDFUL eating pointers by Marlee

If you read my blog, you know that I have been suffering from an eating disorder for the last 10 years. I have been both bulimic and anorexic and at many times both! I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for a few months now and one of the BIG things that helped me recover was learning how to eat both healthy and mindfully! A lot of people have asked me for advice on this topic and I decided just to sit down and write it all out! I hope some of you get help from this and if you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them in the comments section! 

Feel GOOD, get in SHAPE, and never feel HUNGRY again! 

By: Marlee Mortensen 

BREAKFAST-

          ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS eat breakfast! Im never, ever hungry in the morning! EVER! But eating in the morning is the most important thing to keeping your eating in check all day, as well as keeping your energy up and it gets your metabolism going! For breakfast, if you like cereal, pick one rich in fiber. Try to get in at least 8 grams of fiber with breakfast. A few options are Raisin Bran(which is my pick), all of the Fiber One cereals and then Total is good too! If you dont like cereal with milk, you can mix it into some plain low-fat sugar free yogurt. Just like that it will be very bland and NOT good! You can add some fresh berries(blueberries, strawberries and raspberries) into the mix to sweeten it and if you need it sweeter mix in a packet of splenda! This is a really good way to start the day! Try to get GREEK, low-fat(dont get no-fat because your body NEEDS fat to function-especially your BRAIN=) no-sugar yogurt. I LOVE this for breakfast, but remember you can always go with a high fiber cereal as well! Drink water! If you are caffein dependent you can drink maybe a diet soda instead of coffee or an energy drink! It has less caffein but usually does the trick! 

NOTE- Keep a bottle of water with you and full ALL of the time! Water ties with breakfast for the most important key to healthy eating and living! Water will detox your body while keeping your muscles and organs and skin HYDRATED! If you drink water all day long your skin will be clearer and youll just feel GOOD! 

MID-MORNING AND MID-AFTERNOON SNACK-

          Be careful with the whole "snack phenomenon"! Most stores and restaurants advertise "healthy snacks" which are more like enough sugar, calories and fat to count as DINNER! Opt for 4-5 tablespoons of almonds or an apple and a cheese stick snack! Make sure you have some healthy fat and some protein to get you through to either lunch or dinner! Other options are a fiber-rich granola bar and a yogurt, or 1 serving of triscuit crackers or wheat thins(low-fat, high-fiber variety) with a few cheese slices! Keep drinking your water if you havent had to move your desk next to the bathroom =)

LUNCH- 

          Lunch can be very tricky because since most people work, they end up going out to eat. Restaurant potions of food are generally at least two times amount the food that you are supposed to have for this meal! Also, even though an entree may "sound" healthy, a lot of places put a lot of butter and salt on their food so watch out for that! ALSO-VERY IMPORTANT- Beware of SALADS! Some of these salads, which has to be healthy right cause its a salad, have just at or even well OVER 2000 calories which is MORE than someone our size who is trying to tone up should be eating! ALWAYS order dressing on the side to keep from eating WAY more dressing than you need! You can dip it in the dressing and youll find that you use much less but are equally satisfied! Make sure all chicken is GRILLED-not fried! Fried foods taste good, but pack in the calories and fat and also because they are such a heavy food they will make you tired and "weight you down" for the rest of the afternoon! In salads opt for one with a lot of veggies! Veggies are ALWAYS good- just hold the salt and butter! As for regular entrees pick a fish, hold the butter and salt, with a side of veggies! Keep in mind PORTION size! This is SO important! WATER WATER WATER!

ONE HUUUUUGE KEY TO HEALTHY EATING IS M-I-N-D-F-U-L EATING!-

          Healthy eating is all good and well unless you have NO idea how much you should be eating or arent in touch with your body enough to know when you are full! Some hints to mindful eating are... If you feel hungry, youre eating way too late! You need a schedule and you reeeeally need to try your best to stick with it as far as WHEN you eat! At first it is almost impossible to gauge when you are full until you are very uncomfortably full! So to get yourself started, make sure you are eating the portion amount recommended on the box or in the recipe! As you get more in touch with your body as far as food is concerned you will be able to start feeling when you are the least bit hungry and full! Important also are prober eating HABITS! I dont always do these perfectly, but when I do it helps SO much! Try to always eat your meal at a dining table. Eating at the table gets your mind to recognize that this is the time that you eat and helps your bodys cues to become more evident to you! Try not to watch TV while you eat! You get easily distracted and end up paying NO attention to your body's responses and cues to the food you are eating! ALSO, you will likely eat MORE because you are in a TV trance! Another recommendation is to always put your food on a plate/bowl, etc. NEVER ever eat food directly out of the bag or box! You undoubtably will eat WAY more than you first intended! Also, be careful how much sugar you are taking in! When you eat or drink something HIGH in sugar, your body works in overtime mode to produce the insulin to bring your blood sugar back down to a normal level and your body goes into survival mode storing your food as fat! Always try to drink a DIET soda if you must have soda, but WATER is a much better way to go! Also, when shopping for grains such as bread, bagels, pasta, etc., always look for WHEAT options and beware of whole grain options with higher calories. Try your best to never buy bleached and enriched grains. All that means is that the maker of the product took all of the nutrients out and stripped it of all of the original nutrients then enriched it with imitation nutrients! That is NO good! A bonus to wheat grains is that once you are used to them you will notice that they have MUCH more taste than the white/bleached then enriched grains! 

***Afternoon snacks are NON-negotiable! You MUST eat an afternoon snack approximately three hours after lunch and three hours before dinner! Six hours is WAY to long for your body to go without being nourished! You will end up feeling like you are being starved by dinner time and you will eat WAY too much! See above for healthy snack options!***

DINNER-

   

          Dinner is a meal that most people are taught to enjoy completely wrong! American society dictates that dinner should be the largest of all meals and that its ok to eat a little too much at dinner because maybe youre enjoying fine dining or even Mom's favorite meatloaf! You will NOT offend either the chef or your Mom by eating less at this meal! Dinner shouldnt be all that much larger than dinner. Add in an extra serving of whole grains or veggies! Its like LUNCH+! Try to eat something HIGH in protein for dinner! Your body has worked hard all day and needs the protein in order to rebuild the muscles that you used all day long! Try a lean mean! For beef choose an extra-lean filet! Its smaller and packs a protein punch! Watch out for sauces and seasoning!!! Easy on the salt- doubt you want to feel all full and bloated while trying to sleep! With chicken always choose either grilled or baked- preferably grilled! Fish is always a great option as well! Choose a white fish and remember to watch the salt and butter! Eat veggies and LOTS of them! The greener the veggie the richer the nutrients. With salads, choose spinach lettuce leaves! Watch out for pasta dishes! The sauces they are drenched in can be SERIOUSLY fat and calorie packed! Creamy soups are also iffy so make sure you know the basics! Creamy cheese soups are going to be up there as far as calories are concerned. 

IMPORTANT NOTE- Never, ever deny your body something that it is craving! When you do this, you leave your body unsatisfied and still wanting the desired food! Mindful eating will teach you that you need to feed your body the things that it craves because that is your bodys way of asking for something specific. For example, the other day my body was craving fat! I satisfied my body giving it 1 portion of broccoli and cheddar soup from Panera Bread. Because I listened to my body and what it needed and also looked for my full cues, I was able to enjoy this meal without a-feeling guilty and b-feeling overly full and uncomfortable after eating! If you are craving chocolate, indulge yourself in one small individually wrapped piece such as the Dove milk or dark chocolate squares! Eat it slowly and enjoy it- after all, it IS what your body wants!

DESSERTS-

          YES YOU CAN EAT CHOCOLATE WHILE STILL GETTING IN TIP TOP SHAPE! Hallelujah! If you love ice cream like choose a low-fat frozen yogurt! Haagendaz vanilla is FANTASTIC and definitely satisfies the craving for both ice cream and something sweet! Also, fruit is SO important to your daily food intake! It has natural sugars which keep your blood sugar normalized and it also tastes GREAT! Blueberries are FULL of antioxidants and apples have fiber! You can also find a decicious low or no-fat yogurt dip for fruit that I absolutely LOVE! 

If you get hungry after dinner but before bed, it is OK to have a snack! Choose cheese with a few crackers or some fruit with yogurt! Also, a small bowl of cereal- one portion- which is generally between 3/4 to 1 1/2 of a cup with skim or low-fat milk will do the trick to get you through the night! Avoid late-night impulse eating! Remember to NEVER eat out of boxes or bags and to keep in mind just how much you are eating! 

Another key to healthy and mindful eating is knowing WHY you are eating. Is the hunger physical or emotional? If it is time to eat and you know you are eating good portions, go for it! If you are eating because you are sad or bored or just because the food is available, step away from the fridge and try to entertain yourself in another way! If you are still standing in front of the fridge and you know that it isnt time to eat OR your body isnt telling you that its hungry, try going outside for a walk or at the least simply go brush your teeth! You will feel refreshed and will be less likely to want to binge! 

WATER WATER WATER! I cant emphasize it enough! DRINK toooons of water! Drink as much water as you can possibly stand! Now, if you are someone who just cant stand to drink water, you can flavor your water with the individual flavor packs, but try to drink the plain water! Some research shows that drinking diet soda or any other artificially sweetened beverage can in fact trigger your sweet tooth and cause you to eat candies, etc! 

Just always remember that you shouldnt at any point be depriving your body of what it wants and needs. Hunger pains are the devil and calorie counting will make you crazy! Once you get used to portion size and start to recognize what is healthy and good for your body, the calorie counting should STOP all together! Never deny your body the nutrients it needs! Always keep your body nourished and use your body for its highest good! If you can change your eating and exercise habits, you will be AMAZED at how GREAT you will feel in as short as one week! 

Go ahead, give healthy living and mindful eating a try! What can it hurt! Always be wary of fad diets, detoxes, pills, etc! You can do this naturally! As with any new eating or exercise plan, always check with your doctor is you have questions! 

All My Love!

Peace and Love!

~ Marlee

Customer Loyalty

Introducing my new gadget...

RIP dear friend! 

So I woke up Wednesday morning and went to make a call on my pretty iPhone like normal. Well, I pressed over and over again the phone icon and NOTHING happened. NOTHING! Wait, what is this? My flawless, perfect iPhone isnt working properly??? I did everything I knew to fix it. I restarted the phone, reset the entire phone back to factory settings, etc. Nothing worked! Soooo last night I went to the Apple store SURE that they were going to be able to fix my phone or they would replace it, right? I mean, that made perfect sense to me! The problem was clearly a manufacturer defect! I mean, I am only the BEST iPhone user EVER, right? I treat my phone like its a child! Oh your house is burning down... Crap, my phones in there... Im going in after it! So the peppy girl in the bright blue GENIUS tshirt takes my phone into the back and then bounces back out to the store and asks another GENIUS in an ORANGE shirt to help me. Ok, cool, this guy is going to tell me how long it will take to replace my phone! So we walk over out of the bustling crowd of happy Apple customers and he begins to ask me a few questions. First, did I drop the phone in water? NO! Drop the phone? NO! Then he asks the question heard around the world... Did you by chance purchase the extended care warranty package for your phone? Hmmm... Is this a trick question? I proceed to tell him that when I bought my iPhone I was informed that there was NO insurance package and that there was NO plan to protect this priceless handheld device... SO NO MISTER GENIUS I DID NOT PURCHASE A PLAN! He then exclaimed, OH NO... further explaining that since my warranty was up in December and because I hadnt bought the plan to extend my warranty- Apple would NOT be replacing my phone but I had a few options.  HOLD UP! LETS BACK UP! How was I supposed to know about this plan? Did a friendly Apple Care rep call to offer it? NO! Did the busy, but somewhat attentive AT&T sales associate offer me this plan one of the MANY times I went into the store to ask a question or pay my bill? Let me think... NO! At this point during my visit to the Apple Store I began to fight back burning tears in my eyes. My brown eyes must have looked like saucers similar to the eyes Molly gets when she knows she has misbehaved! But thats the thing, I hadnt misbehaved! I was always an EXCELLENT iPhone owner and AT&T customer! So the GENIUS layed out my options for me. Showing no reaction to my puppy dog eyes or my quivering lip he proceeded to break my little Apple heart forever! For the BARGAIN(hear the MOST sarcastic voice EVER saying bargain) price of $199 I could replace my iPhone with the SAME generation phone that I have currently. Of course, the warranty on this phone would only last for 3 months unless I purchased the BARGAIN priced warranty extension for $69.99. I looked at the at the GENIUS is awe of what he was telling me! So for $199 plus $69.99... Almost $300, I could have the 1st gen iPhone! OMG this guy is NUTS! OR for the BARGAIN price of around $600 I could get the 3G iPhone... Ughhh... My anxiety was growing by the second. I dont have this much money to spend on a phone! Ahhhhh! At this point I gathered whatever dignity I had left and picked my jaw up off the floor and exclaimed with as much anger as I could muster that I would be going to BLACKBERRY! He wasnt amused or affected. I left the store and fell the pieces. I couldnt hold back the tears any longer... I went home discouraged and heartbroken over this development. I went to sleep a ball of stress over what my next move would be. What to do? So this morning I woke up and promptly got on the phone with AT&T customer care and went over my options. I have been with AT&T for 15 months and my bill was USUALLY paid on time and in full... Well, it ALWAYS eventually got paid =) So, the nice lady who I was speaking with informed me that my upgrade wasnt due until JUNE of 2009.  WELL DUH LADY, why do you think I am FREAKING out right now? Breathe Marlee, Breathe... In through the nose- out through the mouth. OK, I can handle this. So customer service Sally asks me if she can put me on hold for a few moments while she speaks with her supervisor to see what can be done to remedy my sad, sad, desperate situation. Sure. Yes. MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN LADY! Sally comes back on the line after SEVEN whole minutes of, "Thank you for calling the new AT&T, please hold and one of our customer care representatives with be RIGHT with you!" (yeah uh huh... right with me... six minutes and 56 seconds in!) BREATHE! Suddenly I hear, "Miss Mortensen?" YES YES thats ME! What can you to do help me??? HURRY, tell me! Sally then goes on the explain that because Apple holds a separate contract with AT&T they SURELY wouldnt allow me upgrade to the new 3G iPhone until June 12, 2009- not one second sooner, and holding my breath wont help! PANIC attack coming, I can feel it! Ahhhh! BUT, what Sally could do for me is validate my upgrade early for any other phone offered by AT&T. Ok, maybe this will work out. BUT she decides to inform me, if it were me I would be DEVASTATED having to DOWNGRADE to any other phone after having the PRECIOUS, IRREPLACEABLE iPhone for 15 months! YES Sally, thank you for rubbing a little salt into the HUGE gash in my heart where my iPhone once lived! So long story, well... LONG, I decided on the red Blackberry Curve for $199 with a $100 mail in rebate. Priority shipping will be on AT&T she tells me. Why, THANK YOU AT&T! So, my Blackberry will hopefully come in tomorrow's mail and I will no longer be a total Apple snob. My MacBook will surely be lonely and I will miss the seamless integration of phone and computer! Who knows! I may end up loving my BB more than my Apple, but that is yet to be determined! Ill let you know how it goes =) 

This is my little princess Molly... Ive truly enjoyed being home and being with my little girl!

Me and Molly snuggling on the couch =)

Pet me! 

My journey... My path... My downfall... My return...

This photo was taking in April of 2008... I was losing weight daily and just not happy... Yet I always still had the perfect smile and look...
I was blessed to have Ashley and her family visit me in May of 2008. This was the happiest I can remember being all of last year. Still if you notice MY right leg, you can see how malnourished I was. I was drinking a bottle of wine or more a night to hide from my own pain and mistakes.

I moved back to Atlanta, unable to support myself at the beach. I immediately returned to my party crowd. My first night back out in Atlanta involved drinking and drugs... I would do anything to get out of myself!

I tried everything! New hair, new clothes, new friends, everything! I was still miserable! I just hated myself so much!

Part of the most exclusive crowd in the clubs of Atlanta... I convinced myself I was living the life. I had the look, the friends, the apartment, the car... I had it all... But I had completely lost myself.

Wine, cigarettes, cocaine... my diet. Still, this was the life...

At 96lbs I still wanted to lose more weight. I still found problems with my body. I hated it. I took pride in being skin and bones... I was weak all of the time.

My smiles become fake...

I lose my smile... All I cared about was being sexy.

I was empty. I was bones. I was dying.

This was my last night out in Atlanta. My favorite DJ spinning behind me at Opera... All of my "friends" there... This is what it is all about right? At 92lbs, I could hardly walk up stairs...

September(2008)

And this is where my parents and God stepped in. I was going to die. I didnt care if I died. I was alone, empty, simply a shell. My parents helped me take the 1st steps to a life I could be proud of. I started learning that not only did I have an eating disorder, but I was also an alcoholic and a drug addict. The day I admitted these three things, I was freed. I was freed from the chains and bondage. I was broken, but in a different way. I was broken in a way that could be fixed...

This is me and my Daddy in January of 2009. My Mom and Daddy came to visit me while I was still in treatment. For the first time in 10 years I was able to be a daughter to my parents. And for the first time in my life I could talk to them as an adult woman capeable of living my life. We were all so happy. They are my heroes and to them I am eternally grateful!

This is the most recent photo taken in March 2009. This was about 3 days ago and I have learned to have fun again! I can be silly and have friends who I love and trust and can have fun with me! This is my roomate Archana. She is my best friend here and I love her!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alcoholics Annonymous
Step 1

Ive been working on step 1 with my sponsor and thought I would share a little about it on here!

"We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanagable."

Unmanagability is an understatement. From the time I took my first drink at 17, I have been unable to handle everyday life. I couldnt ever seem to just grow up. I was very irresponsible and the only thing I seemed to be really good at was having a good time and looking like I had it all together. On the inside I was totally a broken little girl. Ive never truly loved myself. Ive always wanted to be smarter, prettier, skinnier, tanner, more popular, taller... whatever... It was just always more, more, more. That is also how I partied, shopped, loved, etc. I was never happy with just what I had(which was always much more than I needed). I lived for other people. I was alwyas overly concerned with what people thought of me, what they were saying about me, who thought I was pretty, who was mad at me and who loved me. It was an obsession! I had to have the newest bags, jeans, shoes, boyfriend! It never stopped! I had to be the best drinker, the best at doing coke and the still be the cutest and skinniest girl in the room. I had to have all of the perfect photos and all of the perfect friends. With all of this to be constantly concerned with, life was put on the back burner! I rarely succeeded at anything and if anything got in the way of my fun time, it was out! I gave up people I loved, separated myself from my best friends and family, lied to everyone I knew, stole from my family, did anything possible to keep the party going! I kept it together for as long as I possibly could until I got to a point of not caring if I ever woke up again! I couldnt do it anymore but I didnt know how to be honest. I didnt know how to go to my parents and tell them that I had been lying to them for so long! I didnt know how to stop! I was addicted not only to alcohol and coke, but klonopin and even attention! Luckily my parents are smart and figured me out even through all of my lies and deception. I thank God every single day that the love me enough to help me! God is amazing!

Ive decided to post a series of pictures that so clearly show my spiral down to my bottom! These pictures are hard for me to look at. They bring up all kinds of emotions. They make me feel sad, shame, guilt, hurt... But then I can think back over the last 6 months and see where I was and where I am now...

Thank you all so much for all of your love and support... Im the most blessed woman in the world today. Thank you...

Love-M

Well here we are and its Tuesday again!

Its been one week since my last post and for that I am sorry! I have been so busy! You wouldnt think working at an ice cream store would be all that difficult or tiring, but I swear that it is more of a pain in my booty than any 9-5 job I have everrrrr had! I leave there a ball of nerves! So with that said I am on the search for a full time job. Im not even sure what I want to do. I have experience in marketing, web design, administrative work and management. Im hoping to find something that will take advantage of all of my skills and keep me busy at the same time!

Brrr! It is FREEZING here in Delray Beach! By freezing I mean aound 55 degrees- but when you have been spoiled by 80-90 degree weather every single day- thats COLD! Im just waiting for it to warm up this weekend!

So, I am just sitting here typing on the computer and thinking about the past. No, not the past of the last ten years, but the past of long before. I have been thinking a lot about my great-grandmother, Meme. Frances Chapman was my best friend. She passed away 14 years ago now which seems like an eternity. I can still hear the sounds of her voice and I get chills when someone passes by donning her signature perfume. I love her more than anything in the world. She was always there for me and I looked at her as if she were an angel. She slept with me in my "big girl" bed when I was terrified to sleep there alone and saved me from my Mom when I had done something wrong! I have so many memories of spending the night at her house and of encouraging her to speed quickly over the hills on Peter's Road. She was a true gem. She always had a purse to match her shoes, was an incredible cook and was a true spitfire. She didnt take anything from anyone and I admire her so much. I miss my Meme every single day. I know she is still with me and can only hope she would be proud of the woman I am becoming every single day.

Ok... So when I moved into Hallways I had 3 roomates. First there was Michele, who was the reason I wanted to live in this apartment to start with! She was a ball of energy and just seemed so happy! Then there was Angie who was the quiet, seemingly tortured soul. Last was Alex. I dont really know Alex because she was never here. Well, Alex left to move into her own apartment and Angie got kicked out for drinking. And then there were two. Michele and I got along so well and spent a lot of time together! Yesterday she got a job offer in Ft. Meyers and today she is gone. And then there was one. I feel lucky to have met Michele but am truly sad that she is gone! I suppose that is the nature of this disease though, loss. Not everyone will make it and I suppose I have to get used to losing some people on my journey.

Tonight was a nice night. The ladies in the apartment next door invited me over for dinner. Spaghetti and meatballs- my favorite! I made a fiesta salad and went over for a truly homecooked meel around the dinner table with 3 amazing women. I honestly feel like God put me here for a reason and I feel so blessed!

Ok, I must go off to Bible study!

xoxo,
Marlee

PS- here are some more recent pics Enjoy!

Happy Fat Tuesday, Everyone!

I hope everyone's Tuesday has been great! Mine certainly has! I officially graduate on Thursday and I couldnt be more thrilled! Ok, for now however I am going to cook some homemade pasta and watch House with my roomie Angie!

One thing I want to talk about really fast is the idea of progress vs. perfection. I am in the beginning of a very long journey. I have a lot of work to do. I damn well know that the last five months dont mean all that much to anyone but me. But to me it means the world. I learned how to feel. I havent felt anything in 10 years. Between benzo klonopin, coke, alcohol, opiates and basically shutting myself off from the world, I havent known many true feelings since I was 16 years old. Sobriety is a lifelong process. It is something that I will never do perfectly and I do not long to be perfect anymore. Thats old news for me. Perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect bag, perfect man... I had to have everything perfectly done. I dont need that anymore. I no longer need to be the skinniest girl with the best bag and hottest, newest jeans in the room! And it feels good. Perfect is an illusion. It is something I will never be. In the bluest of skies somewhere always floats a cloud and in the most beautiful of ocean waters can still be found the murkey seaweed. Its life. God is perfect, and I was made in his image and I am ok being the imperfect woman that I am today. As long as I progress forward everyday and become a stronger woman in recovery, it was a good day!

---On a side note- This website is for people whom I love and who love me. I really have been amazed at the outpouring for support from my friends and family and you will never know how much it means to me and how much it helps. I do realize I have burned bridges and hurt a lot of people in the past. One day I hope to be able to make all of those right. I will never be perfect and I will never be everyone's best friend but I will try to make my wrongs right. Please keep reading if you are here for a positive reason, if not, just dont read at all! Thanks!---




Love, Marlee